Andrew's Towels

Every time Andrew & I take a bath or a shower together, he leaves his towel on the bathroom floor. He always gets out before I do, dries off & meticulously lays his towel flat on the ground in between the bath mat and the toilet. 

I, being the one in our relationship generally in charge of picking up the towels off the floor, got frustrated and asked him why he always left his towels on the floor for me to pick up the next time I did laundry (Bc that's how roll. Procrastinators unite!)

He told me he did it so that I could step on his towel when I got out instead of the cold tile.

......

Now, he's not perfect. I'm pretty sure he purposefully leaves his steel toe boots in the perfect place for me to trip on every morning. Sometimes, he doesn't pick up the dog poop when he walks Maeby. He doesn't like traveling, or the beach. 

But, he does love me. And I'm lucky enough that he shows me every day (he scratches my back every.single.night when we go to bed.) And oh my god, he has the patience of a Saint with me. 

(So, theres some sort of lesson here, but I'm still trying to figure out what it is.)

I don't really get it when people talk about marriage being hard. It's not that hard. It absolutely has difficult moments. It's a transition, but mostly it's figuring out how to love and live with this person full time. It's learning how to not be as selfish as you were before. It's learning how to help take care of them, because they're important to you & if they aren't ok, you aren't ok. If marriage is a constant struggle then it's not working right. 

Before we got married, our officiant (a dear family friend) asked me what I was looking  forward to the most about being married to Andrew.

It wasn't sex. (We were virgins until after we got married & for the record...sex is awesome & we were definitely looking forward to it.) 

It was not having Andrew leave to go home every night. It was going to bed together & waking up together. It was coming home after a long day, to this person who loves me as much as I love him. Nine years later & it's still one of my favorite things about my life. 

Maybe I sound naive & idealistic. We had a ROUGH first year, though. Then I got sick & almost died, then my mom died a year later. And big events like that have a way of changing your perspective about things & they shape how you handle your relationships. 

I think one of the few good things to come out of our infertility is how much time we've gotten together. We were kids when we got married (23 & 24, respectively) and we had no idea how to even live on our own. We've gotten to grow up & create a home together...and our own tiny family. I genuinely love the life that we've made together. (Again, not perfect, but pretty awesome.) 

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I had to talk to my therapist about if I wanted kids. I've been trying to talk/scare myself out of it for awhile. I had valid points that, ultimately I was using as an excuse. Because I'm scared. 

It's easier to tell yourself & everyone else that you don't want kids, than to want kids & not be able to have them. And it's scary to think that something you want so badly might not happen. (And bless him, Andrew just let me say, do & think what I needed to without pushing me.) 

I'm scared, and I'm sad, and I'm frustrated about my infertility. And I'm constantly reminded of it, which makes me tired. 

(It took a few of hours of therapy & introspection to be able to say the last few paragraphs.)

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I saw a YouTube video of a woman (who I know) who was pregnant 2 months after having an early miscarriage. She was talking about how she was guarding her heart this time around. (She already has 3 perfect, healthy children.)

 ...and it made me so mad, for some reason. I know I'm biased, but she seemed to not take into account the hundreds of thousands of women who have miscarriages, or unsuccessful infertility treatments, or late term miscarriages. The women who never get a positive pregnancy test, let alone 5 of them. The women whose children are chronically sick. The women who cant feed themselves or their children. The women who don't even name their children until they're a year old, Bc they probably won't survive till then. The women who are too tired, and too scared to even begin to hope; Who live with guarded hearts as a permanent state of being. I was frustrated because her problem seems to have resolved itself in a couple of months, and plenty of women's are never resolved. And it's not fair. 

I also know I'm biased & Im not being completely fair to her. She doesn't have to take any of that into account. Because miscarriages are sad, and for someone who is lucky enough for that to be the worst thing to happen to them... I know it's a hard thing to go through. I know it can change how you view the world. I hope that her pregnancy is a happy & healthy one.

I brought this up, because I don't want people to read this & think I'm bragging about my marriage. Im not. I dont want people to feel the same way I felt watching that video.

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This blog started because of a sweet action my husband does that I was kind of a brat about. My brain just took it and ran. (Rereading it, it seems a lot shorter than it did when I wrote it.)

Bad husbands do exist. Unhealthy marriages do exist. If you are in one or have been a part of one, I acknowledge you. I might not understand it, but I'm sorry for your hurt. (If you're actively dealing with an unhealthy marriage or relationship, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved.) 

....I don't know how I got from Andrew's towels to infertility, to here...but that's what happened.