happy(ish.)
I went through a phase my entire senior year of High School.
I refused to wear makeup. I wore it before then, I just decided that I didn’t want to wear it anymore.
I didn’t want to wear it until I felt like I wasn’t hiding behind it anymore.
My mom & my friends HATED it. It made my mom so mad (I also stopped getting my hair done.) I still took care of my skin though...just no makeup.
But, when I did decide to start wearing it regularly again, I was comfortable & confident in my own skin. My own skin, my own face, my own body. It was on my terms, and not on society’s. I didn’t start wearing it again because I felt pressure to or because I felt like I owed it to anyone else to look pretty. I did it because I wanted to.
(Less relevant, but I also tried to skip my senior prom. My mom had a friend buy my ticket for me 🙄 I started my period on the way to prom & it was completely overrated.)
It’s been awhile since I had the confidence of my 18 year old self.
That’s a lie. I’m a pretty confident person. I’ve been #blessed (/sarcasm) with an amazing sense of self awareness (that comes from being alone a lot as a child & reading too many books) I live in my head a lot, I overthink & internalize things. I get indignant really quickly if I feel belittled or bullied. And, I’m quick to spot the bullies in the group. (You can tell who they are if you watch closely enough. Microaggressions are real, folks!)
(That’s from spending most of middle school being both belittled & bullied. Because kids are assholes, and rich kids are THE WORST.) As an adult, I can remove myself from situations that are damaging or hurtful to me. And I do.
At least, I think I do. I try to. It’s something that I’m *extremely* sensitive to.
It’s one of the reasons I deactivated my Facebook. (Full disclosure, I probably reactivated it to post the link to this.)
It wasn’t making me a better person. I was already depressed, and it made me angry & upset every time I looked at it. I got into arguments with strangers & people I know alike, but it made me mean to people I know & love in real life. I wasn’t a better wife, sister, daughter or aunt or person.
So I stepped back. I started focusing on the actual people around me, and the ones that kept in touch with me. I started reading more, and cross-stitching and being present.
And I’m much happier.
I was listening to a podcast that said something about how humans were designed to live in groups of like, 115 people. And that that way, everyone was always the best at something.
With social media, we’re interacting with/looking at/comparing ourselves to more than 300 people every time we check our Facebook. We’re comparing our worst days, even our normal days, to the fake, edited shit everyone posts about their best days.
It’s not real. Nothing on social media is real. It’s all edited.( FYI I have photoshop, Lightroom, and various other editing apps on my phone. Almost EVERY photo I post is edited. Partially bc I like editing photos on an artistic level, and partly bc I can make my selfies skinnier.) People don’t want hundreds of semi-strangers seeing them as anything but their best. Plus! So many people are trying to sell stuff on social media now, they HAVE to look their best.
ITS.NOT.REAL.
Now, I’m going to address our IVM/IVF plans.
I posted about it on our fundraiser page, but YouCaring, was absorbed by GoFundMe and all the pages were deleted. So.
Our cycle didn’t work. We got 2 eggs from the egg retrieval, and 2 embryos. NEither embryo made it past Day 5, so there was nothing to transfer. It was a major cause of the depression and anxiety I've been dealing with.
One thing we didn't think about while doing the fundraiser was how to address it if it didn't work. We were SO SURE it would work. It was heartbreaking when it didn't.
And for the record, telling everyone that it didn't work sucks. It's embarrassing. I feel like we wasted everyone's money, and we got everyone's hopes up. Even now, 3 months later I feel that way.
Thank you So, so, so much if you donated during the fundraiser. We raised $3k. We ended up paying a little more than $6k for everything. Your contribution helped the financial burden SO MUCH.
There were a lot of people who donated. It was humbling in the best way possible. I don’t think I can verbalize how grateful & touched we were by the support. Bc it wasnt just financial support, it was mentally and emotionally supportive as well, and we didn’t feel so alone in the process. We felt like we had a whole team behind us. And we did. Thank you.
Our 10 year anniversary is coming up, and we’re currently saving up/working overtime/cashing in hours for a trip to NYC (for comic con & touristy stuff.) Why? (This is important, bc it was suggested that instead of “begging for money” we should just take less vacations.) This is our first “big” vacation in over 3 years. It’s a Big anniversary. And we both need & deserve a break bc infertility treatment is really effing HARD. It's physically fatiguing, and it wears you down emotionally & mentally. I was having stress reactions that I have never had before in my life.
After NYC, we’ll be pursuing traditional IVF. At the moment, the plan is to take out a loan. Bc 10k is a lot of money to come up with, and it doesn't feel right to crowdfund again, despite how grateful we are for the support we got last time.
I'm really embracing the words "fearless" and "courage" for the last few months. I'm not sure why, but I am.
I think it's because I needed to be reminded of both, when I wanted to be curled up in my bed, ignoring the world, instead.
This blog didn't flow as well as I wanted to, but I'm really just eager to get it out (I've got a podcast & a cross stitch pattern waiting on me, and I'm not sure I remember my fb password to post this.)
But if you got through this and aren't clear on what the points were:
Our cycle didn't work.
Do yourself a favor and deactivate your facebook for awhile. It's good for you and you'll be a better person for it.
I refused to wear makeup. I wore it before then, I just decided that I didn’t want to wear it anymore.
I didn’t want to wear it until I felt like I wasn’t hiding behind it anymore.
My mom & my friends HATED it. It made my mom so mad (I also stopped getting my hair done.) I still took care of my skin though...just no makeup.
But, when I did decide to start wearing it regularly again, I was comfortable & confident in my own skin. My own skin, my own face, my own body. It was on my terms, and not on society’s. I didn’t start wearing it again because I felt pressure to or because I felt like I owed it to anyone else to look pretty. I did it because I wanted to.
(Less relevant, but I also tried to skip my senior prom. My mom had a friend buy my ticket for me 🙄 I started my period on the way to prom & it was completely overrated.)
It’s been awhile since I had the confidence of my 18 year old self.
That’s a lie. I’m a pretty confident person. I’ve been #blessed (/sarcasm) with an amazing sense of self awareness (that comes from being alone a lot as a child & reading too many books) I live in my head a lot, I overthink & internalize things. I get indignant really quickly if I feel belittled or bullied. And, I’m quick to spot the bullies in the group. (You can tell who they are if you watch closely enough. Microaggressions are real, folks!)
(That’s from spending most of middle school being both belittled & bullied. Because kids are assholes, and rich kids are THE WORST.) As an adult, I can remove myself from situations that are damaging or hurtful to me. And I do.
At least, I think I do. I try to. It’s something that I’m *extremely* sensitive to.
It’s one of the reasons I deactivated my Facebook. (Full disclosure, I probably reactivated it to post the link to this.)
It wasn’t making me a better person. I was already depressed, and it made me angry & upset every time I looked at it. I got into arguments with strangers & people I know alike, but it made me mean to people I know & love in real life. I wasn’t a better wife, sister, daughter or aunt or person.
So I stepped back. I started focusing on the actual people around me, and the ones that kept in touch with me. I started reading more, and cross-stitching and being present.
And I’m much happier.
I was listening to a podcast that said something about how humans were designed to live in groups of like, 115 people. And that that way, everyone was always the best at something.
With social media, we’re interacting with/looking at/comparing ourselves to more than 300 people every time we check our Facebook. We’re comparing our worst days, even our normal days, to the fake, edited shit everyone posts about their best days.
It’s not real. Nothing on social media is real. It’s all edited.( FYI I have photoshop, Lightroom, and various other editing apps on my phone. Almost EVERY photo I post is edited. Partially bc I like editing photos on an artistic level, and partly bc I can make my selfies skinnier.) People don’t want hundreds of semi-strangers seeing them as anything but their best. Plus! So many people are trying to sell stuff on social media now, they HAVE to look their best.
ITS.NOT.REAL.
Now, I’m going to address our IVM/IVF plans.
I posted about it on our fundraiser page, but YouCaring, was absorbed by GoFundMe and all the pages were deleted. So.
Our cycle didn’t work. We got 2 eggs from the egg retrieval, and 2 embryos. NEither embryo made it past Day 5, so there was nothing to transfer. It was a major cause of the depression and anxiety I've been dealing with.
One thing we didn't think about while doing the fundraiser was how to address it if it didn't work. We were SO SURE it would work. It was heartbreaking when it didn't.
And for the record, telling everyone that it didn't work sucks. It's embarrassing. I feel like we wasted everyone's money, and we got everyone's hopes up. Even now, 3 months later I feel that way.
Thank you So, so, so much if you donated during the fundraiser. We raised $3k. We ended up paying a little more than $6k for everything. Your contribution helped the financial burden SO MUCH.
There were a lot of people who donated. It was humbling in the best way possible. I don’t think I can verbalize how grateful & touched we were by the support. Bc it wasnt just financial support, it was mentally and emotionally supportive as well, and we didn’t feel so alone in the process. We felt like we had a whole team behind us. And we did. Thank you.
Our 10 year anniversary is coming up, and we’re currently saving up/working overtime/cashing in hours for a trip to NYC (for comic con & touristy stuff.) Why? (This is important, bc it was suggested that instead of “begging for money” we should just take less vacations.) This is our first “big” vacation in over 3 years. It’s a Big anniversary. And we both need & deserve a break bc infertility treatment is really effing HARD. It's physically fatiguing, and it wears you down emotionally & mentally. I was having stress reactions that I have never had before in my life.
After NYC, we’ll be pursuing traditional IVF. At the moment, the plan is to take out a loan. Bc 10k is a lot of money to come up with, and it doesn't feel right to crowdfund again, despite how grateful we are for the support we got last time.
I'm really embracing the words "fearless" and "courage" for the last few months. I'm not sure why, but I am.
I think it's because I needed to be reminded of both, when I wanted to be curled up in my bed, ignoring the world, instead.
This blog didn't flow as well as I wanted to, but I'm really just eager to get it out (I've got a podcast & a cross stitch pattern waiting on me, and I'm not sure I remember my fb password to post this.)
But if you got through this and aren't clear on what the points were:
Our cycle didn't work.
Do yourself a favor and deactivate your facebook for awhile. It's good for you and you'll be a better person for it.
I admire your transparency. I think you are so brave and such a beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI like CS Lewis...
ReplyDeleteyet, I love the Holy Spirit.
God bless your indelible soul.