You want to put WHAT up WHERE?!

   So tomorrow is the big day. I'm going in for my 1st pelvic ultrasound to see if the femara worked. To see if I have any follicles (eggs) ready to drop.

 Kind of like a chicken.

   If it worked (1-2 follicles) I get to have a lot of sex for a week. If it worked TOO well ( more than 2) I get to have NO sex. Either way, the fact that this crap is regulating our sex life takes some (or most) of the fun out of it.

  Also a pelvic ultrasound involves them sticking skinny stick/transducer (sp?) up your vagina. And as awesome as it sounds (please read that with as much sarcasm as possible...) it's not. Also it's fairly uncomfortable (of course my most recent memory was having one while I was in the physical process of losing my 1 & only pregnancy to date.) So, that'll be fun. (Also, the grooming at goes into these "exposed" appointments? Uhhhh yeah. We all do it, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about.)
 
   I felt what I thought were ovulation pains on Sunday. Of course, I literally can't tell the difference between an ovulation pain & a cyst. I don't know my own body anymore. PCOS has managed to rob me of the confidence I had in my body. Did I let it? Slowly & surely, I did. Can I get it back? I'm working on it.

   But that's beside the point. The point is that my ovaries were doing SOMETHING semi- painful that I was super aware of. So I decided to go out & spend $12 on Target brand ovulation tests.

Which were negative.

So, my hope is now solidly in check.

   Thankfully my God-send of a Dr. was texting me about the new book Allegiant, and I mentioned it to her when she asked how I was feeling. She informed me that Sunday was too early (Which I knew, I just felt like overlooking it.) And we would check it out tomorrow.

   If you're in Jacksonville, looking for a new OBGYN, lemme know- I'll hook you up. Because frankly, it's awesome to know that I'm not completely alone in all of this. And that I'm not crazy, because this whole process can make anyone feel that way.

  I don't want to get too hopeful. I can't really afford to. I don't want to get Andrew's hopes up, or our families. This could be a very long process. Even if we're good to go after tomorrow, it's not like it's a guaranteed BFP (big fat positive in ttc lingo.)

  We have names picked out. (See? Not hopeful at all.) After careful consideration of our favorite literary characters (literally, we've been picking out names since we started dating 7 years ago.) We both decided & agreed on names.

  I'm not telling you what they are though. I don't want to jinx anything! Plus, I don't want anyone stealing my awesome names.

   So I'm laying in bed tonight, next to my husband, with my dog warming my feet. I feel anxious. I know that no matter the outcome of this journey, we're going to be ok. We're not trying to "start" a family; we did that 5 years ago. He is my family. We're just tryin to expand ours. I can take a deep breath and know that it's ok. We're ok. And sometimes, that's all you need to be.


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  1. I'll be praying for you tomorrow, whatever the outcome may be.

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