Still Alive!

I'm alive, I'm still here.

There just hasn't been a whole lot to write about.

Honestly the last 2(ish?) months have been good. Like, really good. When I wasn't worrying or stressing about IT, I'm really good.

We had to take a break.

Part of it is that we can't afford another cycle right now. I'm trying to sign up for a couple of charities that help cover the cost of medicines, but that takes time. We dont have another $2k to drop on this right now. I'm trying to improve my chances, Andrew needs to have another analysis done.

Part of it is that emotionally it just took a toll. I knew it would, but to have it actually happen and to handle the outcome is different than just expecting it.

Andrew turned 30 at the end of June. I joined the YMCA, and am cautiously working on going back to school. (Cautiously, because it's a big commitment, again. But frankly, I can't do this for the rest of my life. I want to do more.  A lot more. Like, becoming a PA, or CRNM or something.) I'm looking at the long term & it's intimidating. I've grown comfortable where I am career wise, but this can't be the end. I need to do more. I think I'm capable of doing & being more.

I bought shorts for the first time in YEARS. And a bikini. I'm trying to be less embarrassed about how I look. Yes, I've gained weight. (I'm an emotional eater, what can I say. I get sad and I go for the donuts) but I dont need to hide because of it. Frankly, it's no one else's issue or business what I wear. My thighs touch, and my belly is most certainly NOT flat, but I'm a work in progress. And part of that progress is mentally & emotionally accepting myself no matter what my pants size is.

I'll even post a picture! (Please ignore my super messy room. It has been cleaned since this was taken, I swear.)

We had friends over for the FIRST TIME EVER. And I would say it was a hit. I spent the 2 weeks before hand doing almost everything I had planned to do for the past year on the townhome. So, my home (still) looks fantastic. We played Cards Against Humanity (get it. drink. play it.) and I think it might be the best card game ever. I don't think I can have sangria for a long time. Even though the Blackberry Sangira that I made, tasted pretty awesome. Just....no.

I've been doing significantly less facebook. I'm still active on it, but I'm trying to make it a point to live the moment instead of document it.

I'm cooking more, and figuring out what foods I like & dont like. Example:  I like banana peppers (never knew that!)

I want to travel. everywhere. desperately.

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. I know that Andrew & I could be happy even if we never had kids. That if, when, once it happens, I'll never look back. But right now, all I can do is look forward. Our life is really good. We're happy. I have sad moments (like when a friend announces another surprise pregnancy) but right now they're few & far between. (To be fair, I've hidden all pregnant women/new moms on facebook, so it's not exactly in my face. And I've always been ok at separating it from my work. It could easily  be an out of site, out of mind thing.)

I think about cuddling my baby to sleep though, or letting a little girl help me bake, or reading stories, or watching Andrew light saber fight with a little boy...and I think it might be worth all of this stress, heartache & money. If I let myself, I can dream about the sleepless nights, and the fighting over homework, or temper tantrums. I can remind myself that it is worth it. Long term. 

So, thats where I am right now.