a long freaking while
So I thought I would post an update...since it's been a long freaking while.
In November, right after Thanksgiving we got a positive pregnancy test. It was a clear blue digital test and I took 2 that said pregnant. I also took 3 standard tests that were negative. I ended up getting a blood test a couple of days later that confirmed that there was NO pregnancy. After a VERY angry email/facebook message/tweet/amazon review (apparently that happens a lot w/ that brand) I decided I was done w/ "it" for awhile. Even thinking about pregnancy...I'm just so tired of it. Of trying to plan around something that isn't happening, and of waiting.
And I've enjoyed it, for the most part.
So, I've talked w/ my Dr. and we're working on a weight loss plan for a few months. I'm being compliant w/ all of my meds (even the metformin...gross.) I start classes to finish my pre reqs for the nursing program in Spring (only 4 classes left!) I'm exercising, and eating better. We're planning a trip to Puerto Rico w/ some friends in August for my 30th. (I'm mostly exercising so that I can walk/hike in the crazy humidity w/o too much difficulty!)
Andrew & I are both fixing our credit, slowly but surely. We want to buy a house in a couple of years. We're planning a trip to Europe after I graduate nursing school too (we're dreaming BIG, people!) Shoot, my long term goal is to become a practitioner. But we'll see how realistic that is after the nursing program.
I think in a few months we're going to try clomid. My employer messed up my insurance plan for this year, and we don't have the FSA or HSA $$ that we were going to use to go to the RE. So really anything beyond clomid or femara (which I have a pretty solid history of absolutely not responding to at all) we'll have to pay significant amounts of money out of pocket. The weight loss should help the PCOS, and maybe by some miracle I will respond to the medicine.
I can't depend on or plan my life around miracles though.
Part of me wishes I had never made this as public as I did. I wanted to shed light on what this process is like (although it's always different for different people) and maybe help someone else going through it. I'm not sure that I have, and that all I've accomplished is making people feel sorry for me.
That was never my intention. People go through some really crappy, terrible things in their lives. Some people have had nothing truly painful happen to them, and have lived very blessed & privileged lives. We all take what we're given and try to make the best of it. My issues & burdens are nothing compared to some, and other people are brought to tears trying to imagine them.
I want to be a mom. Andrew wants to be a dad. But I would be lying if I said I didn't ask myself if it was actually worth the heartache of all of this. I actually have to sit and ask myself why we're doing it. (because even if we haven't been working w/ the RE, thats always where my mind goes every month. Thats the story of every woman dealing w/ this.)
People have been asking about it a lot at work & in real life, and giving lots of opinions. And it feels like every time it gets brought up I get kind of defensive, people don't really know what to say, I have to sit & listen to advice or explain myself & my choices & what we're planning. And I'm explaining it out of my confort zone. And I don't really have an easy answer or easy explanation for them. And what makes it worse is that most people have NO idea what any of this feels like or entails. (And I have my doubts that some of them actually care about my story as much as they just want to be in the know, or gossip or have someone to feel bad for/better than.)
I did get a journal & wonderful fountain pen for Christmas, so I've been doing a lot of journaling. I'm still getting my thoughts out, just in a more private manner :)
I'm planning on continuing to update the blog when there's something to update about. Recently & at the moment though, I'm just feeling a little bit more fragile & private than normal.
*Some people have messaged me on fb, and thats completely ok! I don't mind (at all!) discussing it w/ people that have followed along, or actually care about my story or me. I'm just not super open to being a sideshow/pity party to the general public right now.*
In November, right after Thanksgiving we got a positive pregnancy test. It was a clear blue digital test and I took 2 that said pregnant. I also took 3 standard tests that were negative. I ended up getting a blood test a couple of days later that confirmed that there was NO pregnancy. After a VERY angry email/facebook message/tweet/amazon review (apparently that happens a lot w/ that brand) I decided I was done w/ "it" for awhile. Even thinking about pregnancy...I'm just so tired of it. Of trying to plan around something that isn't happening, and of waiting.
And I've enjoyed it, for the most part.
So, I've talked w/ my Dr. and we're working on a weight loss plan for a few months. I'm being compliant w/ all of my meds (even the metformin...gross.) I start classes to finish my pre reqs for the nursing program in Spring (only 4 classes left!) I'm exercising, and eating better. We're planning a trip to Puerto Rico w/ some friends in August for my 30th. (I'm mostly exercising so that I can walk/hike in the crazy humidity w/o too much difficulty!)
Andrew & I are both fixing our credit, slowly but surely. We want to buy a house in a couple of years. We're planning a trip to Europe after I graduate nursing school too (we're dreaming BIG, people!) Shoot, my long term goal is to become a practitioner. But we'll see how realistic that is after the nursing program.
I think in a few months we're going to try clomid. My employer messed up my insurance plan for this year, and we don't have the FSA or HSA $$ that we were going to use to go to the RE. So really anything beyond clomid or femara (which I have a pretty solid history of absolutely not responding to at all) we'll have to pay significant amounts of money out of pocket. The weight loss should help the PCOS, and maybe by some miracle I will respond to the medicine.
I can't depend on or plan my life around miracles though.
Part of me wishes I had never made this as public as I did. I wanted to shed light on what this process is like (although it's always different for different people) and maybe help someone else going through it. I'm not sure that I have, and that all I've accomplished is making people feel sorry for me.
That was never my intention. People go through some really crappy, terrible things in their lives. Some people have had nothing truly painful happen to them, and have lived very blessed & privileged lives. We all take what we're given and try to make the best of it. My issues & burdens are nothing compared to some, and other people are brought to tears trying to imagine them.
I want to be a mom. Andrew wants to be a dad. But I would be lying if I said I didn't ask myself if it was actually worth the heartache of all of this. I actually have to sit and ask myself why we're doing it. (because even if we haven't been working w/ the RE, thats always where my mind goes every month. Thats the story of every woman dealing w/ this.)
People have been asking about it a lot at work & in real life, and giving lots of opinions. And it feels like every time it gets brought up I get kind of defensive, people don't really know what to say, I have to sit & listen to advice or explain myself & my choices & what we're planning. And I'm explaining it out of my confort zone. And I don't really have an easy answer or easy explanation for them. And what makes it worse is that most people have NO idea what any of this feels like or entails. (And I have my doubts that some of them actually care about my story as much as they just want to be in the know, or gossip or have someone to feel bad for/better than.)
I did get a journal & wonderful fountain pen for Christmas, so I've been doing a lot of journaling. I'm still getting my thoughts out, just in a more private manner :)
I'm planning on continuing to update the blog when there's something to update about. Recently & at the moment though, I'm just feeling a little bit more fragile & private than normal.
*Some people have messaged me on fb, and thats completely ok! I don't mind (at all!) discussing it w/ people that have followed along, or actually care about my story or me. I'm just not super open to being a sideshow/pity party to the general public right now.*
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