holding on to a quiet hope

So last Weds. I had my Dr's appointment to see if the medicine worked. I went in honestly expecting to not have any large follicles. And I was (frankly) shocked to have 1. Yay! Good news indeed :) We won't know if the ( officially dubbed) "sexy time" worked for roughly another week.

I refuse to specifically hope for it. I refuse to spend 2 weeks googling every possible symptom, stressing over cramps or sore breasts ( or lack thereof.) I refuse to do anything but enjoy my time with family & friends. I'm grateful for these days, I love these days. I refuse to tarnish them with stress & worry & anxiety.

  Of course there's always a Quiet hope in the back of my mind. Please don't misunderstand. I desperately want to feel my baby kick and wiggle in utero. I want hold my baby, and rub their cheek while they're nursing. I can't wait to wake up late at night, or laugh with Andrew when they make funny faces while pooping (because pooping faces are funny faces!) I can't wait to see Andrew become a dad. I'll appreciate & cherish most of those moments. I'll appreciate every pregnancy pain, pee and pound.


This is one of my most favorite pins on pinterest:  ( I'm writing this on a tablet, can you read it?)

Also, this is my theme song. I listen to it at least once a day. Seriously, it's perfect. (It's called "Holding On" by Jamie Grace if it doesn't show up on your device.)

This is all weighing heavily on my heart today. In the last 2ish weeks 3  different women have announced their pregnancies. With 2 of them, it's their 3rd child. My 1st response is to be thankful that they did it on facebook, so I'm not able to punch them in the ovary. (If any of you read this blog, sorry...kind of.) My 1st response quickly leads into my 2nd which is "How is that even fair?! They've already got 2...they hardly need another 1, while I'm still waiting for my 1st." Seriously these happen in the span of about 3 minutes.

Then I step away. I look at my life. It's awesome. I keep telling Andrew that I would rather be married to him without kids, than have kids without him. I'm so blessed to have him, especially when many mothers do have to do it alone, or with not so great husbands. (Not that any of these women are.)

I often have to pray to not be resentful. God & I have kind if an iffy relationship since I started this "journey." I like Him, but I'm kind of mad at Him too. I'm imperfect, He's perfect- I figure He can handle my anger. So I pray to not be resentful of other women, to be graceful towards them (despite their sometimes painful, ignorant & blundering attempts at engaging me.) And to be HAPPY for them, and joyful for myself.

I know that their fertility doesn't determine mine. I know that life isn't fair. I know that my time will come. I hope that it will. But until then I'm going to enjoy this time.

But I'm not throwing anymore babyshowers. The next babyshower is mine, so back off with your pregnant selves.