Hitting Pause

So, I'm not even sure how to say it, or if I'm completely behind what I'm about to say yet.

We decided that we're going to take a break from "trying" for a little while.

At this point, "a while" is scheduled for after my 29th birthday. In August. 

There are multiple reasons. 

Money. With our insurance plan, only diagnostic infertility is covered. Treatment for it is not. We're looking at around $300 every couple of weeks for pelvic scans, additional $$ towards blood work, doctors visits ect. So even spending all of that money each month, none of it would go towards our deductible. And then we would have to pay for any OB care towards our deductible. 

Me. This is one of the bigger reasons. I need to lose weight. I want to lose weight. I'm 95% sure that getting to a healthy weight would increase my chances of getting pregnant, whether naturally or with help. It would make for a better, healthier pregnancy, and a healthier, happier baby. And it would make for a healthier, happier me. I want to give myself & my child the best chance I possibly can. 

Stress. It's really stressful to do this. Stressful, discouraging...there are very few positive feelings in this journey (at least that I've felt.) I realised exactly how nice it was to not have any Dr's appointments, and not have anything inserted into my body. To not stress out about possible pregnancy symptoms, to have sex when we feel like it, and without the added pressure of procreation. 

So we're going to enjoy this year. 

We're going to save $$ to go to comcicon in San Diego in July. Thats our big goal. Hopefully, we can get tickets (because they sell out super super fast & are difficult to get.)

We're going to spend time building relationships with friends. Going on adventures, watching movies, and enjoying this part of our lives again. I'm excited about it. 

I'm tired of this haunting everything I do, and of feeling sorry for myself, for being angry at my body & resentful of new moms & pregnant women. I don't like being that person. 

We might start again in a couple of months, or we could get a surprise. At this point I refuse to rule anything out. But right now, we're hitting pause on this part of our lives, and enjoying the other parts.

And my heart is ok with that.