To my child

You're not here yet. All you are right now is a hope, a prayer I can't even say out loud. You're that tightening in my chest when I take 5 seconds to dream when I walk by the empty, spare bedroom. 

   Your dad & I already know your name. We aren't telling people yet, but we know it. 

   We don't know who you'll look like. We don't even know if I'll be the one giving birth to you. But never doubt that you are our child. That you've been desperately wanted & loved from your very beginnings. 

  We have so many dreams for you. Your dad walks by the breakfast bar in the kitchen and talks about you having sleep overs with your friends & serving you all breakfast there. We already know the movies & books that we're dying to introduce you to. I've mentally baby proofed the house every time I think about redecorating. 

  I worry about bringing you into this technological world & raising you in it. It's very different from the one your dad & I were raised in. I want you to have all the advantages of it, but am terrified of the reality of it on a child who is already so vulnerable. 

   I want you to learn about family, God, love, respect, hard work & disappointment.  I know that sometimes things will suck, and people will be mean. I want you to find your voice & respect yourself. 

   I want you to read- I want to read to you. I can't wait to see your imagination grow & play. I can't wait to watch you learn. I can't wait to see you work at something & succeed. 

  I want you to be happy. 

   I worry about what kind of mom I'll be to you. You should know that your dad & I will mess up, and we're not perfect. But that we'll always have your best interest at heart, even if you can't see it at the time. We want the best for you. And We might not be as "cool" as someone else's parents... But we're not going to try to be. We love ourselves and our family, we don't need to try to be some one else. (I'm sure this will come up because it did with me, and I'm pretty sure your dad too.) 

    I'm not looking forward to middle school. You should know that NOBODY enjoys middle school. High school, some. College, some more. Middle school, never. The best time of your life usually comes after all of that. Please try to get to it. I love you. I would be broken if you hurt yourself. 

  I love you so much NOW, and I've never even seen you yet. I can't imagine how much I'll love you after I've held you for the first time. 

  You are our endgame. We have a great life. (And we still feel like we're growing up sometimes) and we love each other very much, but we've always wanted you. We're working a little bit harder on getting you here- I think that makes it a little bit more special though. You were not an accident or an afterthought or a maybe. Everything about you is deliberate & intentional. 

   I love you. Your dad loves you, and we can't wait to meet you. 

Love,

  Mom